- "What if God doesn't really exist? What if he's just an existential manifestation of our collective cultural yearning for a sense of parental power over a chaotic universe?… Nah."
- ―An Urban Crazy’s Thought.
Crazies were a group of Humans who appeared in Turnipseed Farm (Rural Crazies), Santa Modesta (Suburban Crazies), and Union Town/Capitol City (Urban Crazies). Crazies appeared to have more DNA, likely because they either had real experiences with, or held more knowledge about aliens.
Rural Crazy[]
Crazy farm ladies who appeared at Turnipseed Farm in multiple areas. They seemed to be extremely paranoid and enjoyed being probed.
- "Why does that lady have tentacles coming out of her ears, I wonder if she's an alien.... Helloooo!"
- "Probe me again, Oh, Please God probe me again!"
- "Nixon an alien, So is Huffman, So is Doris Day and John Wayne! Why am I the only one to seem to notice?"
Suburban Crazy[]
A Suburban Crazy.
Crackpot, amateur scientists who appeared in Santa Modesta, with one making a notable appearance in the mission “Foreign Correspondent,” where he helped Crypto find Bert Whither. This made them the only type of Crazy to have featured in the main storyline. They were distinguished by their white labcoats and tinfoil “communicator” hats. Scanning their minds revealed that they had difficulty finding jobs and lived with their mothers.
- "Fools, all of you, me an my ex-communicator hat, will show all you pathetic drones of the invading alien horde!"
- "They were like these astronauts in some sort of a star trek, in a galaxy far, far away, but they turned out to be DAMN DIRTY APES! YOU MANIACS!"
- "I knew you would come!"
- "I love Bert Whither, even though he called me a crackpot in that TV interview he said lukewarm fusion wouldn't work, but I know it would if I had gotten the funding, but I didn't thanks to Bert Whither. Bastard."
- "I heard that the dolphins are doing a good job contacting the extraterrestrials. I heard that from the mice."
- "I love my mother… a lot. Is that so wrong?"
- "Come down spacemen? Let's be friends? Stupid communicator hat not working!"
- "Wild eyes, unruly hair, pocket protector, still lives with his mother, how could anybody say no?"
- "Please! I'm scared of reality! (When picked up by Psychokinesis)"
Urban Crazy[]
An Urban Crazy.
Alcoholic and crazy hobos who appeared in Union Town and Capitol City. They were distinguished by their grey hair, filthy appearance and sandwich boards that read "The end is nigh.”
- "Repent, The End is Nigh! What does Nigh mean anyway?"
- "One hundred bottles of bear on the wall, one hundred bottles of bear..."
- "That trashcan is speaking to me... an all the little birdies too!"
- "Those little freaks, abduct me and then leave me!"
- "These sheep walk around like, errm- sheep."
- "They don't see, but I do. Oh, oh yes, I do!"
- "Who am I?"
- "What am I doing here?"
- "1,742 bottles of beer on the wall, 1,742 bottles of beer ..."
- "I don't remember anything but the bright light. Oh and the warm moist feeling afterwards."
- "Gosh darn it. I just peed my pants."
- "What if God doesn't really exist? What if he's just an existential manifestation of our collective cultural yearning for a sense of parental power over a chaotic universe? ... Nah."
- "There is no God. I am God. God of stinky poopy pants."
- "They all think I'm crazy! I know it!"
- "It's like the door's wide open, the lights are off, and nobody's home! I need another beer."